IVF During a Pandemic

Well I didn't keep up the blog... I did however document the journey a little lot more on my Instagram.. and took even more photos on my phone that might one day come to light haha

It's been a super stressful time doing IVF in the middle of a world wide pandemic... IVF at the best of times is full of so many uncertainties and add in the extra uncertainty from COVID and ir's bordering on ridiculous.

All through the cycle I was terrified that I'd be pumped full of hormones and then would have the cycle cancelled.. thing got stranger along the way... public transport felt very "un-safe" and so I started driving in for everything.. and walking halfway across town between the clinic and acupuncture. We paid a fair bit for parking over the months... In March the government decided that to free up resources - equipment and people that they were going to shut down elective surgery... which apparently includes IVF... this made me more scared as no one quite knew exactly when.. then it was the 1 April .. and we JUST managed to squeeze in with Egg Collection on 26th March and Transfer on 31 March! Phew

I made a little video with a selection of photos and videos taken during the IVF cycle ...

I am still in shock that after all this time and so many prayers and tears, that IVF finally was successful and we are FINALLY pregnant... only once have I seen those two lines before and since I was already bleeding it was bittersweet. This is different! This time there is HOPE that this little one will be a survivor and make it all the way to a healthy baby .... Praying God would protect and grow this little one!!

Agonist Cycle

Good morning, I thought I would write down a bit of information here about what an Agonist cycle is and some more details about my particular journey with it so far and predicted. An Agonist cycle is also called a long down regulation cycle I believe. I've added a bit of a rough diagram/ schedule of what these next days, weeks should involve.

It starts with supressing regular female hormones. This is done via the Synarel spray that I am taking, (I've also heard it referred to putting you in a pseudo menopause state).

In my case, I had my blood test on Day 22 of my cycle and started the spray day 23. It's usually 7-10 days after that when AF arrives and a 2nd blood test. Currently I'm at day 8 so getting there I suppose. Just waiting!

So currently just waiting some more (and going slightly crazy on this spray haha) ... the next blood test will show if my hormones are low enough (have been down regulated) and then I will be advised when to start the Menopur which is a follicle stimulating hormone - which will facilitate the growth of lots of folllicles and hopefully result in some good eggs!

A few days after the start of injections I will have more blood test and scans to see how the follicles are progressing and will continue to be monitored with tests until they decide it's time to collect. And I'll continue with the medications

36 hours before the Egg collection I will take an HcG trigger shot (actually I believe I'm going to be having a double shot) which will further develop the eggs and bing on ovulation.. but before that happens they will swoop in and collect them.

After the egg collection I will use Crinone (pessaries) and God willing have a little embryo {or two}
transferred 5 days after the collection. In this case I will need to stay on the Crinone until the Beta test which I'm praying will result in a BFP (BIG FAT POSITIVE)

Stepping out again in faith

We are about to embark on a new Season ... we’ve decided to go with a new bulk-billing clinic (who hoo) for a new round of IVF .. so starting an Agonist cycle later this month - with a blood test on the 27th 😯 simultaneously exciting and terrifying!! 

And the pre-testing bloodwork has reminded me of the ordeal of regular blood tests .. it is not fun. And when you tell the collector that you have deep veins and they still go in on a shallow  angle it doesn’t work 😒🥵😯😔 but all this will worthwhile or will one day be a distant memory again.

I started a new insta account so that I can easily document this journey and not bombard my current account with ivf posts ☺️

Hoping and praying that this might be the time for a miracle from our loving, faithful God!

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (and a year has passed)

It's been a YEAR since I was PUPO with Stevie. I can't believe it's been a year... I'm not sure where that time has gone .. It almost feels like yesterday and yet it's not ... Had this little one stuck in he/she would now be 3 months old.. I can only imagine what that would be like to have a 3 month old baby in the house ... in my arms... sleepless nights ... struggles ... and joys. And yet that is not God's plan for us for right now - Stevie (and siblings) are NOT HERE .. they are in heaven! My arms are empty!

Perhaps the dream of having children on this earth is not God's plan for me at all. I still find myself unable to accept this, it is devastating to contemplate - although I know that he is God and I am not .. and he will hold onto me and give me the strength to live for him and honour him no matter what these next months and years hold. I need to turn to him rather than bottling it all up inside, watching trashy Netflix to escape ... to turn to his word and be fulfilled in Him and not in my desire to be a Mum to living, breathing little ones.. I know in my head these things but I pray that I would know them deeply in my heart as well.

Here's some pictures from the Embryo transfer a year and 2 days ago....

So much hope!! 

GONE!

And yet my hope is still that God can create miracles... and He could (if he desired) still create a miracle ... I have been seeing an acupuncurist and herbalist pretty much weekly for the last year. We've been shopping for our fruit and veggies from the Organic Farmers Market and reducing chemicals in our lives.. Hoping and Praying for a miracle!

I am wondering about whether we should try IVF one more time... but how many times is the answer "No" enough? How much more can we put ourselves through?

This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month ... and it's great to raise and create more awareness and help to reduce stigma associated with miscarriage etc but it's also very triggering for me personally. It's super sad hearing other people's stories of loss ... and remembering our own losses. I don't want to be in this "club" and yet I am ... right now I am so sad! 

But if I can help someone else feel "not alone" on this walk then I will.. Perhaps that's a small amount of good to come from a whole amount of sadness and grief! 

15th October was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and so I created a little artwork to remember some precious little lives gone too soon (which I posted on my Insta)

If you are experiencing or have experienced miscarriage the Pink Elephants is a great support network with resources and people providing a "Circle of support". They also have some great resources for friends and family to know how to support loved ones in this situation!! 

Some Embryo artwork

These ideas/ inspiration just came to me today when I was lying face down with needles stuck in my back.  My Acupuncturist asked me about whether we were thinking of going back to do IVF again soon... I did have a few tears, I told her it's too expensive and she told me to check out a "cheaper clinic" which I might but we are still not sure ... She thinks it's worth it after all the building up of my body/ hormones that we have been doing .. (but we also kinda need to lose more weight which is being obstinate).

The first one is based on the idea that God is holding on to our Embryos ... our little Embabies ...This Psalm is one of my favourites and talks about God's sovereignty, Omniscience (all knowing), Omnipresence (ever present, everywhere), Omnipotence (all powerful) and Holiness.. I am in AWE of Him!! I do believe that each day of my life and their very short lives was part of his plan (even though I find it hard to comprehend why) and I know that he is holding me fast (As well as our little ones).

Our very first Embaby, Dan was 11 cells when we saw it on the screen... I have a vivid memory of blues and purples and the incredulous of the miracle that those little tiny cells was the start of a human life. Sadly we don't have a photo of Dan so I thought this was a good place to start in my artworks. I might do some more of the rest.

I was thinking about whether people might want artworks done of their embabies and this other idea came to me ... so I created a second on, this time of our eighth and last Embaby, Stevie. I tried to make it look similar to the photo that we have from the Grow app from Genea.

I'm really happy with the results of these, and I'm planning to do some more.. wondering about printing and framing them but perhaps I'll do one with all 8 Embabies on it.

I think I might use my Copic markers next time instead of the Ipad but we will see. If you or someone you know might like an artwork made to remember their Embabies drop me a line :)

Overwhelmed with sadness

This morning I was Overwhelmed with sadness ... it happens sometimes and is hard to contain.
Once that door of grief opens it's hard to get it closed again! It doesn't help that I'm super over tired.

Currently (since early Sunday morning) we are looking after four children aged 6-13 so their parents could have a little getaway. It's been hard, fun, tiring, rewarding and exhausting ... respecting parents of little ones so much in all that they do for them, caring for them, helping them to grow and mature.

I'm really pleased that our friends trust us to care for their children whilst they go away and it's a great blessing to be able to look after/ spend time with little people BUT it also makes starker the realities of what we are "missing out on"

After I dropped Mr 6 at his class I was walking back through the school.. and there were children EVERYWHERE and parents, grandparents etc coming in and out and I was just hit with a huge wave of sadness ... Some of our little ones would have been at this Infants school age now ... and yet they are not here :( And possibly, quite probably we will never be taking our own children to and from school.

At times like this I really am NOT CONTENT with my life ...  I know that God's plan for my life is good for me but I don't really feel it right now.

Anyway about an hour till I have to pick them up again so best suck it up and get ready! 

Not a due date

Today would have been Stevie's due date ... if he/she had stuck around .. but like the rest of our precious embryos Stevie was not meant for this world.