Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (and a year has passed)

It's been a YEAR since I was PUPO with Stevie. I can't believe it's been a year... I'm not sure where that time has gone .. It almost feels like yesterday and yet it's not ... Had this little one stuck in he/she would now be 3 months old.. I can only imagine what that would be like to have a 3 month old baby in the house ... in my arms... sleepless nights ... struggles ... and joys. And yet that is not God's plan for us for right now - Stevie (and siblings) are NOT HERE .. they are in heaven! My arms are empty!

Perhaps the dream of having children on this earth is not God's plan for me at all. I still find myself unable to accept this, it is devastating to contemplate - although I know that he is God and I am not .. and he will hold onto me and give me the strength to live for him and honour him no matter what these next months and years hold. I need to turn to him rather than bottling it all up inside, watching trashy Netflix to escape ... to turn to his word and be fulfilled in Him and not in my desire to be a Mum to living, breathing little ones.. I know in my head these things but I pray that I would know them deeply in my heart as well.

Here's some pictures from the Embryo transfer a year and 2 days ago....

So much hope!! 

GONE!

And yet my hope is still that God can create miracles... and He could (if he desired) still create a miracle ... I have been seeing an acupuncurist and herbalist pretty much weekly for the last year. We've been shopping for our fruit and veggies from the Organic Farmers Market and reducing chemicals in our lives.. Hoping and Praying for a miracle!

I am wondering about whether we should try IVF one more time... but how many times is the answer "No" enough? How much more can we put ourselves through?

This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month ... and it's great to raise and create more awareness and help to reduce stigma associated with miscarriage etc but it's also very triggering for me personally. It's super sad hearing other people's stories of loss ... and remembering our own losses. I don't want to be in this "club" and yet I am ... right now I am so sad! 

But if I can help someone else feel "not alone" on this walk then I will.. Perhaps that's a small amount of good to come from a whole amount of sadness and grief! 

15th October was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and so I created a little artwork to remember some precious little lives gone too soon (which I posted on my Insta)

If you are experiencing or have experienced miscarriage the Pink Elephants is a great support network with resources and people providing a "Circle of support". They also have some great resources for friends and family to know how to support loved ones in this situation!! 

Some Embryo artwork

These ideas/ inspiration just came to me today when I was lying face down with needles stuck in my back.  My Acupuncturist asked me about whether we were thinking of going back to do IVF again soon... I did have a few tears, I told her it's too expensive and she told me to check out a "cheaper clinic" which I might but we are still not sure ... She thinks it's worth it after all the building up of my body/ hormones that we have been doing .. (but we also kinda need to lose more weight which is being obstinate).

The first one is based on the idea that God is holding on to our Embryos ... our little Embabies ...This Psalm is one of my favourites and talks about God's sovereignty, Omniscience (all knowing), Omnipresence (ever present, everywhere), Omnipotence (all powerful) and Holiness.. I am in AWE of Him!! I do believe that each day of my life and their very short lives was part of his plan (even though I find it hard to comprehend why) and I know that he is holding me fast (As well as our little ones).

Our very first Embaby, Dan was 11 cells when we saw it on the screen... I have a vivid memory of blues and purples and the incredulous of the miracle that those little tiny cells was the start of a human life. Sadly we don't have a photo of Dan so I thought this was a good place to start in my artworks. I might do some more of the rest.

I was thinking about whether people might want artworks done of their embabies and this other idea came to me ... so I created a second on, this time of our eighth and last Embaby, Stevie. I tried to make it look similar to the photo that we have from the Grow app from Genea.

I'm really happy with the results of these, and I'm planning to do some more.. wondering about printing and framing them but perhaps I'll do one with all 8 Embabies on it.

I think I might use my Copic markers next time instead of the Ipad but we will see. If you or someone you know might like an artwork made to remember their Embabies drop me a line :)

Overwhelmed with sadness

This morning I was Overwhelmed with sadness ... it happens sometimes and is hard to contain.
Once that door of grief opens it's hard to get it closed again! It doesn't help that I'm super over tired.

Currently (since early Sunday morning) we are looking after four children aged 6-13 so their parents could have a little getaway. It's been hard, fun, tiring, rewarding and exhausting ... respecting parents of little ones so much in all that they do for them, caring for them, helping them to grow and mature.

I'm really pleased that our friends trust us to care for their children whilst they go away and it's a great blessing to be able to look after/ spend time with little people BUT it also makes starker the realities of what we are "missing out on"

After I dropped Mr 6 at his class I was walking back through the school.. and there were children EVERYWHERE and parents, grandparents etc coming in and out and I was just hit with a huge wave of sadness ... Some of our little ones would have been at this Infants school age now ... and yet they are not here :( And possibly, quite probably we will never be taking our own children to and from school.

At times like this I really am NOT CONTENT with my life ...  I know that God's plan for my life is good for me but I don't really feel it right now.

Anyway about an hour till I have to pick them up again so best suck it up and get ready! 

Not a due date

Today would have been Stevie's due date ... if he/she had stuck around .. but like the rest of our precious embryos Stevie was not meant for this world.

musings on Heavenly bodies

Do you ever wonder what we will look like in Heaven, what age will we be? I do constantly. I especially wonder what Dan, Chris, Jess, Jules, Ashley, Kelly, Kim and Stevie will look like.. will we recognise them? Will they recognise us? I think so and yet I really don't know. I do look forward to meeting them one day!!

1 Corinthians 15:35-58 (below) is "somewhat" helpful - Our bodies will be whatever they are because God has chosen them! They will be different to our earthly bodies (in what way we can't imagine and aren't told), they will be imperishable spiritual bodies that resemble Jesus' resurrected body.

Thanks be to God that Death has lost it's sting through the victory of Jesus!!

1 Corinthians 15:35 (ESV)

But someone will ask, “How are the dead raised? With what kind of body do they come?” 

36 You foolish person! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. 37 And what you sow is not  

the body that is to be, but a bare kernel, perhaps of wheat or of some other grain. 

38 But God gives it a body as he has chosen, 

and to each kind of seed its own body. 39 For not all flesh is the same, but there is one kind for humans, 

another for animals, another for birds, and another for fish. 

40 There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind,

 and the glory of the earthly is of another. 

41 There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, 

and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.

42 So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. 

43 It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. 44 It is sown a 

natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. 

45 Thus it is written, “The first man Adam became a living being” the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. 

46 But it is not the spiritual that is first but the natural, and then the spiritual. 47 The first man was from the

earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. 48 As was the man of dust, so also are those who are 

of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. 

49 Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.

50 I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the 

perishable inherit the imperishable.

51 Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, 

52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, 

and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. 

53 For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. 

54 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, 

then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

55  “O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 

57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in 

the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

a bit of a slump

The Bears of Hope High tea was good (hard but good) ... I enjoyed spending time with dear friends. I just wish that there was no reason for any of us to be there! But it is what it is, sadly.

It was super helpful for me to recognise and honour our dear little ones .. and I received this precious gift. (I'm really glad that I listed all their names on the registration form).

My friend took this photo ... remembering dear Casey, Gregory, Sebastian and Aerin

My Mother's Day facebook post

Today I’m thanking God for Mother’s (and all that they are and do) and praying they have strength and perseverance to keep loving and caring (even when it’s most hard).

Praying (and weeping with those) for whom Mother’s Day makes them weep ... for those missing their own mums who are no longer on this earth, for those grieving broken relationships, for those whose children have died - forever in their hearts but never or no longer in their arms, for those who desperately long to be mothers and whose dreams are unfulfilled, for those who are parenting alone and all others grieving today.

Thanking God especially for those who “mother” in so many ways without physically being a “mum”!! 

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Honestly, I've been struggling quite a bit since Mother's day.. and have been in a bit of a slump.. the recent cold weather is not helping and neither is my health.. although I guess it's all kinda linked. The house is a mess and I really want to clean it up but I'm just not getting it done.

Trying to trust in God and his goodness and be content in where he has me right now but that's so hard. Praying that I would be quick to listen to him and not be tempted to look to the world for wisdom and contentment.

High tea

I've signed up to attend a Mothers Day High tea.. run by Bears of Hope.. a pregnancy and infant loss support organisation. I'm going with some other girl friends who have lost their precious little ones.

When I filled in the form to register there was a question: "Is this person a bereaved mother" and it had space to list names of children. I really wasn't sure what to write and agonised over it. I don't know that to everyone they count but to me ... yes I am.. and those 8 little lives count and matter and so after discussion with Guy and choosing a couple more names for Octobers little ones,  I wrote down eight names:
Dan, Chris, Jess, Jules, Ashley, Kelly, Stevie and Kim xxxxxxxx

It's on the day before Mother's Day .. I feel a little strange and anxious about it ... If you've read other posts here you would know that Mother's Day is one of the hardest days for me, but I'm happy to be able to go to support my dear friends and looking forward to spending time with them and am glad to be able to honour those little lives not for this world.