Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (and a year has passed)

It's been a YEAR since I was PUPO with Stevie. I can't believe it's been a year... I'm not sure where that time has gone .. It almost feels like yesterday and yet it's not ... Had this little one stuck in he/she would now be 3 months old.. I can only imagine what that would be like to have a 3 month old baby in the house ... in my arms... sleepless nights ... struggles ... and joys. And yet that is not God's plan for us for right now - Stevie (and siblings) are NOT HERE .. they are in heaven! My arms are empty!

Perhaps the dream of having children on this earth is not God's plan for me at all. I still find myself unable to accept this, it is devastating to contemplate - although I know that he is God and I am not .. and he will hold onto me and give me the strength to live for him and honour him no matter what these next months and years hold. I need to turn to him rather than bottling it all up inside, watching trashy Netflix to escape ... to turn to his word and be fulfilled in Him and not in my desire to be a Mum to living, breathing little ones.. I know in my head these things but I pray that I would know them deeply in my heart as well.

Here's some pictures from the Embryo transfer a year and 2 days ago....

So much hope!! 

GONE!

And yet my hope is still that God can create miracles... and He could (if he desired) still create a miracle ... I have been seeing an acupuncurist and herbalist pretty much weekly for the last year. We've been shopping for our fruit and veggies from the Organic Farmers Market and reducing chemicals in our lives.. Hoping and Praying for a miracle!

I am wondering about whether we should try IVF one more time... but how many times is the answer "No" enough? How much more can we put ourselves through?

This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month ... and it's great to raise and create more awareness and help to reduce stigma associated with miscarriage etc but it's also very triggering for me personally. It's super sad hearing other people's stories of loss ... and remembering our own losses. I don't want to be in this "club" and yet I am ... right now I am so sad! 

But if I can help someone else feel "not alone" on this walk then I will.. Perhaps that's a small amount of good to come from a whole amount of sadness and grief! 

15th October was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and so I created a little artwork to remember some precious little lives gone too soon (which I posted on my Insta)

If you are experiencing or have experienced miscarriage the Pink Elephants is a great support network with resources and people providing a "Circle of support". They also have some great resources for friends and family to know how to support loved ones in this situation!! 

Some Embryo artwork

These ideas/ inspiration just came to me today when I was lying face down with needles stuck in my back.  My Acupuncturist asked me about whether we were thinking of going back to do IVF again soon... I did have a few tears, I told her it's too expensive and she told me to check out a "cheaper clinic" which I might but we are still not sure ... She thinks it's worth it after all the building up of my body/ hormones that we have been doing .. (but we also kinda need to lose more weight which is being obstinate).

The first one is based on the idea that God is holding on to our Embryos ... our little Embabies ...This Psalm is one of my favourites and talks about God's sovereignty, Omniscience (all knowing), Omnipresence (ever present, everywhere), Omnipotence (all powerful) and Holiness.. I am in AWE of Him!! I do believe that each day of my life and their very short lives was part of his plan (even though I find it hard to comprehend why) and I know that he is holding me fast (As well as our little ones).

Our very first Embaby, Dan was 11 cells when we saw it on the screen... I have a vivid memory of blues and purples and the incredulous of the miracle that those little tiny cells was the start of a human life. Sadly we don't have a photo of Dan so I thought this was a good place to start in my artworks. I might do some more of the rest.

I was thinking about whether people might want artworks done of their embabies and this other idea came to me ... so I created a second on, this time of our eighth and last Embaby, Stevie. I tried to make it look similar to the photo that we have from the Grow app from Genea.

I'm really happy with the results of these, and I'm planning to do some more.. wondering about printing and framing them but perhaps I'll do one with all 8 Embabies on it.

I think I might use my Copic markers next time instead of the Ipad but we will see. If you or someone you know might like an artwork made to remember their Embabies drop me a line :)

It has begun

I just had my first injection of Gonal F for the cycle.. This is the follicle stimulating hormone which will hopefully make lots of follicles grow and produce lots of GOOD eggs :) I wasn't expecting to do one today I was expecting it to be tomorrow, but that's kinda how this journey goes - the unexpected may pop up around any corner. I've got a headache now :( from AF or the Gonal F - I'm not sure. I'm on a larger dose this time... It's actually double the amount I was on last time so it will be interesting to see how it goes.

The Gonal F is a pre-filled pen which is easy to use.. you just take the lid off, screw a needle on the end and then turn the knob to the correct dosage. I'm on 300mg this time which means each pen will have 3 doses in it. It's a pretty fine needle so goes easily into the tummy. I've finally stopped thinking that it won't go in.. it's a strange thing really.

This morning was a little rough.. once again the collectors struggled with my veins.. the first one took a while and didn't really listen to me saying they are deep as she went in to the left arm very shallowly... and  then looked at many more before passing me on to someone else.. he was better... still took a LONG time and the tourniquet strap was so super tight but he got it first time.. just took a little time to fill the container. 

I don't have to have another one now till Friday which is nice ..  I was thinking it would be earlier so that's positive! I will have to go into town before then to collect some more meds though! 

A day in my life of IVF treatments

Guy's alarm went off at 5:30 and I got up and had a shower... then did my injections.

(Each other day my alarm has been going off at 5:45am and I get up and do the injections before going back to bed again OR into the city for blood tests .. and a surprise scan on Monday).

I ate some toast .. a bread mix from Aldi.. Not too bad- it's a Tiger loaf.

Guy dropped me at Rockdale and I was on the train at 6:13am

6:37 - Arrived at Town hall and walked to the clinic
6:47 - Arrived at Kent St and scanned the QR code to check in then sat to wait for the lift to open at 7am. There were already about  7 people here. Actually spoke to a couple of people today .. about the QR scan thing :)

7am and up we go - two lifts today and not as packed as the last time I arrived this early :)
The names start to be called and I am about 3rd.

Time for the most invasive part of the day! The internal ultrasound to check the follicles.. on Monday there were 5 on the left and 2 on the right.. Today there are 2 big follicles on the right and three less big ones on the left with some smaller ones on the left as well. The sonographer asked during the scan if I'd had scans before we started IVF and I said yes .. not really sure why she was asking but didn't think any more of it.

7:14 and the Ultrasound is done - back in the queue for my Blood test..

R is the collector (aka Vampire) today .. she says that the computer says I need TLC .. She's not so sure about the deep vein in my inner arm (which has been the most successful for the good vampires so far) and she wants to try a thinner vein on the side of my arm ... she Umms and Ahha and eventually does go for the side one with a butterfly needle on an angle ... it's pretty slow but works. Afterwards it's quite sore. She tells me the usual don't lift heavy items and also tells me to ice it when I get home and to look after my veins.. (I feel like she knows that vein was a poor choice).
7:32 all done and leave ... the arm is quite painful as I walk...

7:48 - Back at Town Hall Platform 4 .. the next train doesn't stop at Rockdale :(
Next train is due at 7:54 :) Lots of people are waiting today.
My arm is hurting a bit :(

The train comes and I sneak into a quiet carriage.. sitting in the main bit near the door - no one else is here - wierd but peaceful :)

8:46 - walked in the door at home after walking back from Rockdale Station! I put an ice pack on the arm and settle on the couch with a Rooibos and a couple of chocolate Chia balls.

Around the middle of the day I had a private call ... it was Dr Rowan ... I wonder why she's calling not the nurse but she wanted to talk to me about the cycle.. the two larger follicles are ready trigger.. the smaller ones are not .. and would probably not produce mature eggs.. however if we waited we would lose the lead ones.. If we were to go ahead Egg collection would be on Friday - usually she would recommend cancelling the cycle but as we don't want to freeze lots of embryos then we could go ahead.. but theres another problem... the sonographer saw something on the scan that might be a polyp in the lining of my uterus .. this was not there before.. this could cause the embryo not to implant .... which would mean that if we go ahead with the Egg collection and there are embryos we may need to freeze them and have the polyp dealt with. but we can't know more yet, she may be able to tell more at Egg Collection. I let her know that I didn't want to cancel and she said she would go ahead and arrange for it to happen Friday and would try her best to get the two eggs for us.
I got off the phone.. in a bit of a shock and phoned Guy to tell him... He also didn't think we should cancel either. got off to wait for nurses call... Wondering if it's the right decision.. cancelling would be cheaper but all it takes is for one Egg to work (although realistically the chances are low).
I phoned Mum to talk about it and she also agreed that going ahead was a good option...
Missed the call from the nurses and phoned back... it goes to voicemail.. so I left a message..

Tried again a little later.. same deal.

Eventually a nurse phoned back..and said that Egg collection would go ahead on Friday but she didn't know what time yet and would let me know once it was booked in with Day Surgery... Trigger would happen tonight but she would tell me the time once she knew the Surgery time.

She phoned back again about an hour later.. EC would be at 7:30 Friday.. so Trigger was to happen at 7:30pm tonight. NO more of the other injections.

The Ovidrel (trigger shot) is similar to the Gonal F I had been taking in the pen.. you wind it up .. this one had no numbers though just //'s I went until it said 250 and then stuck it in my belly.. it stung a little more but otherwise was ok.

BACK to waiting.. but no more injections now till possibly after the Egg Collection on Friday so a nice little break.

What I thought would be a typical day of IVF was definitely NOT ... I guess there really are no "typical" days on this journey! It's definitely a ROLLERCOASTER!

IVF season

We are about to enter a new season ... IVF will be starting any day now. As soon as AF arrives I will be heading to the clinic for a blood test and will start hormone injections.. two injections a day for about 10-14 days :0 ... I "think" this is better than the nasal spray + injection last time ... although 8-9 years are a little foggy in my brain!

I'm feeling excitedly hopeful and yet nervously terrified!!

I know that God has this... he is totally in control. I just need to keep trusting him and knowing that no matter what happens he will give us all that we need to perservere!

For everything there is a season

COPIED FROM MY CRAFT BLOG: Stuff by Sammi

Today the words of Ecclesiastes 3:2-11 do ring true...

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. (ESV)

Facebook memories can be fun but can also be painful as they make you re-live tough times. My "masked" posts about our IVF journey 6 years ago come back to taunt me. Today is the anniversary of the conception of our twins (using ICSI). Sadly they both died in the womb and we never got to meet them, to hold them, to see them grow. All we have is this blurry photo of two little embryos and a world of "what ifs". I can't really imagine being mum to five year olds :0

I knew what today was already as I have ALL the dates written down and just happened to read them yesterday so it was not a surprise when Facebook memories showed one of my posts, but it is something else to re-read your own words of hope and others comments.

I still grieve the loss of these little ones and still strongly desire to be a mum. As the years go on this possibility grows dimmer. I do not know what God's plan is for me apart from knowing and loving him and sharing my life with others. I will continue to trust him through all the seasons :)