Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month (and a year has passed)

It's been a YEAR since I was PUPO with Stevie. I can't believe it's been a year... I'm not sure where that time has gone .. It almost feels like yesterday and yet it's not ... Had this little one stuck in he/she would now be 3 months old.. I can only imagine what that would be like to have a 3 month old baby in the house ... in my arms... sleepless nights ... struggles ... and joys. And yet that is not God's plan for us for right now - Stevie (and siblings) are NOT HERE .. they are in heaven! My arms are empty!

Perhaps the dream of having children on this earth is not God's plan for me at all. I still find myself unable to accept this, it is devastating to contemplate - although I know that he is God and I am not .. and he will hold onto me and give me the strength to live for him and honour him no matter what these next months and years hold. I need to turn to him rather than bottling it all up inside, watching trashy Netflix to escape ... to turn to his word and be fulfilled in Him and not in my desire to be a Mum to living, breathing little ones.. I know in my head these things but I pray that I would know them deeply in my heart as well.

Here's some pictures from the Embryo transfer a year and 2 days ago....

So much hope!! 

GONE!

And yet my hope is still that God can create miracles... and He could (if he desired) still create a miracle ... I have been seeing an acupuncurist and herbalist pretty much weekly for the last year. We've been shopping for our fruit and veggies from the Organic Farmers Market and reducing chemicals in our lives.. Hoping and Praying for a miracle!

I am wondering about whether we should try IVF one more time... but how many times is the answer "No" enough? How much more can we put ourselves through?

This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month ... and it's great to raise and create more awareness and help to reduce stigma associated with miscarriage etc but it's also very triggering for me personally. It's super sad hearing other people's stories of loss ... and remembering our own losses. I don't want to be in this "club" and yet I am ... right now I am so sad! 

But if I can help someone else feel "not alone" on this walk then I will.. Perhaps that's a small amount of good to come from a whole amount of sadness and grief! 

15th October was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and so I created a little artwork to remember some precious little lives gone too soon (which I posted on my Insta)

If you are experiencing or have experienced miscarriage the Pink Elephants is a great support network with resources and people providing a "Circle of support". They also have some great resources for friends and family to know how to support loved ones in this situation!!