BFN - Broken hopes and raw grief

It is all over again... and I'm feeling particularly devastated!!

Still processing it all but hopefully this post will help with that.

I had tried a couple of home pregnancy tests Sat, Sun, Mon ... with all being negative. The first two days were probably a bit too early.. but people have had positives at that point so I thought it was worth trying.. and it showed that the Ovidrel had left my system.

From Saturday afternoon I had the worst headache ... I was scared as it felt so much like the hormonal headaches I get before AF arrives.. and yet I hoped it might be from pregnancy hormones...
Sunday it continued with (TMI) some fertile and other strange CM appearing .. which according to Dr Google could be another sign of pregnancy. I stayed home to rest instead of going to church. Monday Morning there was some spotting.. and massively huge CRAMPS which only increased during the day .. Late morning I phoned the clinic and left a message, my nurse co-ordinator phoned back and said I could have the blood test a day earlier the following day. This to me was just a formality as I already knew the outcome would be negative.

Spoke with a few of my family.. lots of tears ...

Feeling super emotional, red eyed and fuzzy headed we went down to our weekly Monday night family dinner which was lovely to receive hugs and comfort ...  and a delicious meal and some fun distracting games.

Today we got up extra early so that we could get into the clinic early and not have to wait long for the test.. Guy drove us in and we parked in the car park in the same building.. we scanned in about 6:40am and sat to wait in the foyer for the lifts.. there was only one person there before us.

When it got to 7am there was a lift full of people, instead of squeezing in we waited for the next lift.

We had to wait a while... getting there so early didn't make us get straight through :(

Eventually my name was called and it was R, who I recognised as one who had done a terrible job once before.. but she had been ok the next time I saw her.. so I thought I'd give her the benefit of my doubt, but TODAY it seemed I was to have salt rubbed in my still raw wounds ... and poor Guy had to sit and watch (some of what is normal for me having bloods taken - but to a worse degree today).

She could not find veins, she took ages - she tried my right arm and didn't listen to me saying they were deep.. went in quite shallow and then proceeded to poke and prod around .. moving the needle around and back and forward - I told her it was hurting (should have been more audible and forceful) eventually she stopped.. and then after a much longer time she tried my left hand .. same deal, she said she would get a heat pack..and came back with that and a lukewarm cup of water and said she would swap with another collector who was having troubles with someone else :( that didn't inspire too much confidence either. The new lady said she'd try and I said was there someone like the gun of blood taking.. she said they were all just as good as each other (I beg to differ)

I didn't recognise any of the people on today.. I described one who had done a GREAT job before but she's left. I said was the male there today .. I forgot his name .. She then tried to find veins and then seemed happy-ish she'd found one in my left arm and said should she try it.. I said yes.. and started to cry saying I just wanted the blood to be taken to tell me what I already know .. she tried to shush me. She tried the vein.. not deep enough.. and then she went to look if the male, P was around, a different lady ended up coming in.. I recognised her as one who'd taken my blood ok before. She asked what was happening and I showed her the three bandaids/ tape from the failed attempts and then started crying again grr.. couldn't help it .. she asked if  she could take the blood from a vein further down my arm so I agreed..luckily it worked 1st go and we were out of there!

My nurse co-ordinator phoned me late morning and let me know that the results were negative. It wasn't a shock but still super sad!

I know to many people these little embryos are not even considered human .. but to me these embryos were our babies.. and I was attached to them the moment I saw the pictures of them as just a few cells... I had hopes and dreams .. I prayed for them ... I was sad and disappointed when the first one didn't make it past 4 cells.. and I am devastated that the 2nd one was in my womb for only 8 days and didn't implant and we'll never know her/him :(

I don't understand.

I'm thankful for family and friends.

Received some beautiful flowers from a lovely friend.

We were given the most thoughtful gift tonight by our niece and nephew ... she made this beautiful cactus garden for us ... with a little cactus to remember each of our 8 embryos!!

The TWO WEEK WAIT :O

I'm going a little crazy with this 2ww .. overanalysing every little twinge and pain... not sure how I'll go with waiting ANOTHER 8 days... trying to stop myself from googling x,y,z and failing!

The good news is that on Saturday this precious little embryo was transferred to my uterus :)

And so began the Two Week Wait (2WW) It is Exciting and nervewracking... will this little one continue to grow and implant and grow... is that pain the pain of implantation? Is it a bad pain? is it just from the medication?? When can I test with a home test? - Knowing it wouldn't be conclusive due to the HcG meds I've taken that are still in my system... safer not to - for peace of mind ...  knowing any symptoms this early can also be PMS/ AF ... so many thoughts....

The other little embryo never made it past 4 cells :( So that was rather sad and disappointing when the Scientist told us this on Saturday .. I'd still been expecting it would have grown but just been a bit further behind.. so they wouldn't transfer it (I did ask). The embryo they did transfer although at Day 3 was top of the expected cell numbers by Day 5 it was behind where they expect and was not yet a blastocyst.. this too was disheartening.. the Dr also didn't inspire much confidence when she told me to make and appointment to see her in about 2 weeks ... to discuss what next if this doesn't work .. she has some ideas apparently although she did say she knows couples who have become pregnant from similar (overall though the conversation made us both think she doesn't think it will work this time).

Praying that it does work!! I know it's completely in God's hands and he already knows what each day will bring ... trying to trust in this knowledge and still pleading with him that this little one will stick around ... for a very long time!! There are lots of people praying and so many invested in this journey with us.. so grateful for this support! 

Sunday I had my last injection and so really now it is completely no action just waiting!!

little embies growing and dividing

Human Life is so intricate.. It's unfathomable to think that all people start out as a tiny bunch of cells.

I'm thankful that God has given people brains and technology to be able to do this... 

A Scientist phoned this morning to update us on the status of our embryos ...  The one that fertilised normally is now 10 cells (well it was this morning :) and on Day 3 (which is today) they are supposed to be between 6-10 cells... the other little once which was slow to fertilise is still growing.. Hooray! Praise God ... Although is only 4 cells. 

Apparently we will need to sign a special consent form in order for them to transfer two on Saturday! 

We were thrilled to find that the pictures came through in the app this morning :D 

A nurse will phone me tomorrow to arrange a time for transfer on Saturday! 

So a bit more waiting.. and then a lot more waiting... with the dreaded 2ww (two week wait) before the blood test which will reveal if they have implanted or not :0

a Big couple of days

Sunday was nice having a day off meds.. a little sleep in and a slow day.. was feeling a bit yuk really so slow was good. We were on dinner for church and that went OK .. but was extra tired afterwards.

We pre-booked a car park for Monday on Kent St so that we could save a few $$

Monday morning was a bit dud as I couldn't eat or drink anything!

We got to the clinic at 10:55am ... 5 minutes early

I was pleased to hear that I had the same anaesthetist as last Egg retrieval... filled in all the paperwork and then was taken through to the surgery area where I was weighted and height checked.. then into the little waiting cubicle .. NO.2 again :)

We waited for a while .. 

with me in the "beautiful" theatre attire :P

The nurses came through and more paperwork, the Scientist came through and spoke about the process.. she asked how many eggs we would like to fertilise and we agreed to make a final decision after we knew how many eggs there were! Next came the Anaesthetist who put the cannula in my hand and spoke about the sedation.. we were going to go for low sedation again like last time as I ws mostly awake then with just some pain relief and then our Dr came in .. she was happier with the progress this cycle and said she would be open to putting two embryos in if there were two.. then we went through to the theatre room.

My robe came off..leaving me in the flimsy gown.. onto the bed, legs up into the special holders - everyone was getting ready .. the anaesthetist gave me a little something.. the Dr asked if my panda socks were lucky and I told her I only bought them the other day when my feet were wet from from all the rain in the city.. so we'll see if they are or not :D haha 

It's all very hazy and I think I was actually out for most of it .. not like last time ... i vaguely have a memory of the Dr saying we had an egg but then I wondered if that was last time. Guy thinks the Anaesthetist saw pain on my face and gave me more - I don't recall - strange feeling really!! It was all pretty quick this time. There were two eggs.. the scientist kept looking through fluids and said she's come let us know later if there were any more....

Back to our little cubicle No.2 .. Guy went off to do his thing ..

In recovery - I had a nice glass of water - never tasted so good! Peppermint tea and rice cakes with peanut butter .. check out my stylish 'over the shoe socks' here too... Panadeine and Panadol and a warm heat pack for the cramps.

The embryologist/ Scientist came back and said that yes there were 2 there.. and I said please go ahead and try to fertilise both of them.. I asked if the other follicles were just empty and apparently one had a shell of sorts (can't remember the exact language) but nothing inside. Guy came back and agreed with them trying to fertilise both using PICSI.

My heat pack got cold and cramps still bad so I rang the nurses bell and the poor nurse who eventually came thought there was a problem i Assured her I just needed it reheated and she went off to do that.

Not long after I was able to get changed back into my clothes.. and then had the cannula taken out and given the feedback survey link which I quickly did on my phone ..

We went down to the Pharmacy to pick up more medications.. Panadeine and more injections for later in the week.. all going well! We had to wait as my record hadn't been uploaded yet .. eventually the lady came out with it and I paid and we left ...

We walked to the Dymocks building where I had about a half hour of Acupuncture and some good positive talk .. my Dr was right this lady is a great IVF coach :D I have a tentative appointment booked for Sat morning.. when hopefully I'll be having the embryo transfer :)

Tuesday brings good news ... one of the eggs fertilised normally and the other shows signs of fertilisation but doesn't have two pro nuclei .. so they will watch it .. maybe it will still catch up.. hoping it's just a little slow/ got some lazy genes .. we'll find out more with the next update on Thursday!

This waiting is HARD .. but that's how it is ... feeling really well supported by family and friends :) So thankful for this!!

The app where we should be able to see photos seems to be broken and so no photos yet :( ... I've emailed them about it and hopefully it will be fixed soon!! I do like the idea of seeing photos and videos and they would be really great to bring out at a 21st (but that's getting WAY ahead)

Tomorrow I have to take another injection - to prepare for the transfer :D

Triggering tonight

Well the hormones are making me feel pretty yukko!! Been a quiet day today.. not done very much, just been working on some artwork and resting!

The nurse phoned this afternoon and my EC is scheduled for 11:30 on Monday ... so I have to take the trigger shot (Ovidrel) tonight at 11:30pm... guess I'm not having an early night tonight :(

I've booked in for Acupuncture after Egg Collection which is supposed to held relieve the bloating and cramping .. and help geet in good shape for the transfer a few days later... hope so!

Looking forward to the med free day tomorrow :)

one more day...

So I went in on Tuesday to pick up the new meds and they are rather complicated.. Above is a picture of my new morning injections.. the Luveris is two vials - one of powder and one of water and it requires a syringe with a nasty looking thick needle to suck the water up and mix it in to the powder and then change the needle over and inject it ... it's really hard not to let a lot of air in during this process :0 It makes the other pen and one off pre-filled needle seem super simple!

My tummy is starting to look like a pin cushion :0

I am super super tired!!

Today my vampire was not great.. she ended up taking blood from my hand .. it didn't hurt as much as I thought it might thankfully :)

My scan was yukky.. one of my ovaries had gone missing and so was rather painful as she tried to find it and get pictures of the follicles however good news there seem to be a few that should be  good (God willing) .. today they measured 22mm, 20mm, 16mm, 14mm, 13mm, 12mm and smaller - It's likely there may be 3-5 eggs then... but we will see what happens.

Only one day left of injections now ... tomorrow morning will be the last of my three regular injections, and sometime tomorrow I will take the Trigger shot (once the nurses phone me to advise what time and what time Egg Collection will be on Monday). I am so thankful that EC is on Monday and therefore at the city clinic with my own Dr!! Hooray!

Sunday will be nice .. a needle free day!!

I'm a little concerned the nice big 22mm follicle will be too huge by EC and no good anymore.. but the others "should" be OK and it gives the 12 and 14 maybe time to catch up... waiting and hoping and trusting :)

Meanwhile I had a lovely morning - my big sister met me in town for breakfast :) She had to get up super early for this! Very thankful!! And I spent a few hours with a very pregnant friend.. Can't wait to meet her daughter soon!!

Three words I'm not not fond of

"wait and see" is soooo hard. Each step of this process is really waiting for the next thing.. waiting for a call from a nurse, waiting to see if things are progressing properly, waiting, waiting!

Yesterdays scan showed that there are 5 follicles ... 2 x 6mm, 8mm, 12mm and 15mm ... the smaller ones really need to catch up to the others :o I hope that they can.... I was disappointed with this as the Gonal F dosage is so much higher I was expecting there to be more. But it only takes one good egg right :) {Please Lord}

My blood test showed that the LH (Luteinising hormone - which helps follicles to mature) is low and so today I am going in to the clinic AGAIN to pick up a new medication (luveris) to inject ... Apparently it's a bit different so I will need a nurse to do the first one for me :0

Have been feeling quite yukky these last few days - headaches, sore tummy, nauseous, very TIRED! It's a tough time really but hopefully for a good reason!

A dear friend sent me these wonderful verses yesterday...

Psalm 145:17-18 The Lord is Righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

Acupuncture with Tens machine

Today I had Acupuncture again and this time she plugged a tens machine in on two of the needles... It makes a tingling/ zinging sensation flow around that area.. Should help with blood flow and hopefuly help the follicles grow it's a bit wierd but bearable, especially if it's going to be beneficial - I did feel more relaxed after it thankfully :)

my early morning routine

This is my new early morning routine... 2 injections.. one of Gonal F and one Orgaultran (pictured left) and a bunch of supplements!!

I have to Gonal F pen pretty much sorted .. its the one in the middle at the front that you wind to the right dosage and then after inserting it you push the end down. It's a VERY fine needle so not too bad!

The Orgalutran, started yesterday is a bit of a thicker needle and once inserted you have to draw back the plunger to make sure there is no blood and then push it down.. this one is not as fun - it is Stingy for about an hour or so afterwards.

And the supplements came from my Acupuncturist (replacing some of the vitamins etc that I was already taking) Some of these are rather yukky to swallow :P

I get a nasty headache about an hour or so after the injections! So I'm looking forward to Acupuncture again tomorrow!

*DOING IVF AT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS CHANGE OVER IS CONFUSING*

a long post about a long day!

From steady rain to a heated train about 6:48am was a bit of a shock to the system... I was checking facebook when I saw a post from Genea about Daylight Savings starting and how it may affect treatment and timing of medications and to check with nurses. I hadn't even thought about it. (I commented on the post Thanks - that was brave of me publicly posting a comment wasn't it haha).

At the clinic around 7:25 and took an umbrella bag and then realised how thin it was and wouldn't help with my coat so I put it in my handbag and rolled my jacket inside out and put it in the bag too. It was so warm inside that I had to take off my fleecy jacket and my glasses kept fogging up.

When I scanned my card to check in it says Blood test and Finance - apparently that's who I have to see today. The place is pretty busy .. about 25+ people waiting I think, there are no spare tables and so I squeeze onto the edge of the couch in the TV section, Sunrise is on so I can get a bit of news, although my mind is not really focussing so I only pick up a few snippets. Tables free up and so I decide to go and get a GF muesli bar and sit at one.. it looked ok but it tastes like it has dairy in it and sure enough I hadn't checked well enough as the 2nd last ingredient was 'milk solids'.. oops.. I didn't finish it.

My name is called by a patient manager, K who I spoke with the other day about the anaesthetist and she checked if I was able to contact them, I said yes and thank you.  She apologised that they hadn't given me a fee estimate yet and says she will do it and bring it out to me. I wasn't too worried as it should be fairly similar to last time.. athough 'hopefully" more (only for the fact that I'm hoping we get to Embryo transfer stage this time) :D

I sit down at a different table as the other one is taken... for some reason (possibly the hormones in my system and my anxiety) I feel like crying and so I messaged my dear friend L who offered to pray for me if I needed it while waiting and this was one of those times! Very helpful!

My name is called by one of the vampires... she looked familiar but I couldn't remember if she was good or bad... once in the room I read her nametag and realised it was R, who did the last test last cycle ... which was painful. I am a little concerned but she inspects many veins and then seems satisfied with my right arm.. she goes in deep and gets great flow! Phew. Thanks God!

I checked with her about some concerns and she put me back in the queue for a nurse... so I go sit again.. and then am called fairly quickly.. this nurse remembers calling me earlier in the week - she was the one who ordered me new medication.. and asks if I got it OK.. I let her know I did... She didn't know about the medication and daylight savings and was going to check.. she reassured me about the scan.. that I didn't need it yet as today's blood test would tell them about my Estrogen and LH levels and that would then tell them if I need the Orgalutran yet and the first scan would probably by Monday.. I don't really understand as am sure it was earlier last time but that's Ok.

I ask her to put me in the Accounts queue so I can follow that up, I sit down again..and after a bit K comes out to tell me she hasn't got it yet.. has to wait for my health fund and that she'l email it.

I then leave, at this point it's standing room only.. so bizarre! I think maybe about 40-50 people??

I have about 1.5 hours to kill before my Acupuncture appointment

I find a cafe in QVB and have a fig and nut bar and a decaf coffee.. message Mum a bit .. then head off towards galleries for some window shopping.. not much open I'm interested in.. I sit for a bit at one of the tables there (my boots are great for the water but NOT for my feet.. starting to blister :(

I got to my appointment 10 minutes early and filled in the form ...  Patricia is lovely and starts off asking for my history... I share about headaches, AF, our Infertility and previous IVF attempts. After this we go into the other room for the Acupuncture.. the table/bed is heated.. pretty nice.. the Acupunture was fine.. it was actually quite relaxing and took away my headache COMPLETELY!
I had a ginger and lemon tea mmm .. and signed up for the IVF Acupuncture package.. so I'll be going back a few more times! I also ended up booking in for a massage at 1pm.. so I have another 1.5hours to kill in the city... I sat for a bit on some couches in an Arcade.. my big Sis phoned and we chatted for a bit then I went off to find some lunch.. found  a place in Westfields where you could design your own bowl..it was pretty good!

Messaged a few lovely friends who'd messaged me .. and had to cancel my afternoon tea date with a good friend, L .. we'll catch up sometime :)

Back for the massage... There were quite a few areas of tension but it was lovely and very relaxing overall!

I'm told to drink LOTS of water!

A nurse had tried to call when I was having the massage and sent a text with instructions.. I'm to continue Gonal F, start Orgalutran tomorrow and go back in for a scan and BT on Monday.

I called back and left a message.. I need to find out about the med times.

Train ride home, walking from station in rain in my raincoat from lovely G my phone started ringing.. it was a nurse phoning back..she said 1/2 hour to an hour difference for the meds should be fine .. so that's a relief :) the blisters on my feet are pretty sore now and so I'm plonked out on the couch!

HEADACHE and rain

I have the WORST headache!! :P It's really not fun at all! Not much seems to help - I'm pretty sure it's the hormones so just have to suck it up!

This morning was super rainy! Great for the garden and I hope it's going more where it's needed. It's not so much fun going in and out of the city in the rain but it had to happen... I needed to pick up some more Gonal F... When I got to the Pharmacy she looked up my file and was going to give me all the meds but I already have some of the others left from the last cycle (so I'll just get more if needed later)!

I checked with reception about where to go for Acupuncture as Guy and I were talking last night about trying that this time.. and picked up a card for someone in the city who used to work in the building but moved. I have an appointment tomorrow.. she said she had one today but I just couldn't face going back into the city today.. and I have to go in tomorrow anyway for a blood test (and probably a scan) Here's hoping it helps with the headaches as well as the cycle!!

It has begun

I just had my first injection of Gonal F for the cycle.. This is the follicle stimulating hormone which will hopefully make lots of follicles grow and produce lots of GOOD eggs :) I wasn't expecting to do one today I was expecting it to be tomorrow, but that's kinda how this journey goes - the unexpected may pop up around any corner. I've got a headache now :( from AF or the Gonal F - I'm not sure. I'm on a larger dose this time... It's actually double the amount I was on last time so it will be interesting to see how it goes.

The Gonal F is a pre-filled pen which is easy to use.. you just take the lid off, screw a needle on the end and then turn the knob to the correct dosage. I'm on 300mg this time which means each pen will have 3 doses in it. It's a pretty fine needle so goes easily into the tummy. I've finally stopped thinking that it won't go in.. it's a strange thing really.

This morning was a little rough.. once again the collectors struggled with my veins.. the first one took a while and didn't really listen to me saying they are deep as she went in to the left arm very shallowly... and  then looked at many more before passing me on to someone else.. he was better... still took a LONG time and the tourniquet strap was so super tight but he got it first time.. just took a little time to fill the container. 

I don't have to have another one now till Friday which is nice ..  I was thinking it would be earlier so that's positive! I will have to go into town before then to collect some more meds though! 

Anticipation

Well it's ALMOST time to start IVF again.. tomorrow I go into the clinic for my day 1 blood test. I spoke with a nurse today who said show up for morning clinic tomorrow.. which is between 7am and 9am - so the trips into the city will start again. The waiting will start again.

I'm feeling a little apprehensive, I'm feeling hopeful and excited, I'm praying that this time will be the time that works, where we might be blessed with a little miracle! Please Lord!

Thinking about the prospect of waiting again, I'm reminded it is a good lesson for waiting upon the LORD and hoping in him. I do hope that we will have a child but ultimately whether we do or don't my hope is in the Lord and waiting on his return. I would like to think I will remember this amidst the frustration of waiting. Many times in my life I've thought that I am a rather patient person... but life keeps showing me that I am far from a patient person!!!

More encouragement from Psalm 39, verses 4 & 5

4  " Oh Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days ; let me know how fleeting I am!" 5 "Behold you have made my days a few handbreadths and my lifetime is nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!"

What seems like forever in these moments and days and weeks of waiting is nothing in the light of eternity. What seems to matter so dearly now living on this earth will one day seem so tiny!