It is all over again... and I'm feeling particularly devastated!!
Still processing it all but hopefully this post will help with that.
I had tried a couple of home pregnancy tests Sat, Sun, Mon ... with all being negative. The first two days were probably a bit too early.. but people have had positives at that point so I thought it was worth trying.. and it showed that the Ovidrel had left my system.
From Saturday afternoon I had the worst headache ... I was scared as it felt so much like the hormonal headaches I get before AF arrives.. and yet I hoped it might be from pregnancy hormones...
Sunday it continued with (TMI) some fertile and other strange CM appearing .. which according to Dr Google could be another sign of pregnancy. I stayed home to rest instead of going to church. Monday Morning there was some spotting.. and massively huge CRAMPS which only increased during the day .. Late morning I phoned the clinic and left a message, my nurse co-ordinator phoned back and said I could have the blood test a day earlier the following day. This to me was just a formality as I already knew the outcome would be negative.
Spoke with a few of my family.. lots of tears ...
Feeling super emotional, red eyed and fuzzy headed we went down to our weekly Monday night family dinner which was lovely to receive hugs and comfort ... and a delicious meal and some fun distracting games.
Today we got up extra early so that we could get into the clinic early and not have to wait long for the test.. Guy drove us in and we parked in the car park in the same building.. we scanned in about 6:40am and sat to wait in the foyer for the lifts.. there was only one person there before us.
When it got to 7am there was a lift full of people, instead of squeezing in we waited for the next lift.
We had to wait a while... getting there so early didn't make us get straight through :(
Eventually my name was called and it was R, who I recognised as one who had done a terrible job once before.. but she had been ok the next time I saw her.. so I thought I'd give her the benefit of my doubt, but TODAY it seemed I was to have salt rubbed in my still raw wounds ... and poor Guy had to sit and watch (some of what is normal for me having bloods taken - but to a worse degree today).
She could not find veins, she took ages - she tried my right arm and didn't listen to me saying they were deep.. went in quite shallow and then proceeded to poke and prod around .. moving the needle around and back and forward - I told her it was hurting (should have been more audible and forceful) eventually she stopped.. and then after a much longer time she tried my left hand .. same deal, she said she would get a heat pack..and came back with that and a lukewarm cup of water and said she would swap with another collector who was having troubles with someone else :( that didn't inspire too much confidence either. The new lady said she'd try and I said was there someone like the gun of blood taking.. she said they were all just as good as each other (I beg to differ)
I didn't recognise any of the people on today.. I described one who had done a GREAT job before but she's left. I said was the male there today .. I forgot his name .. She then tried to find veins and then seemed happy-ish she'd found one in my left arm and said should she try it.. I said yes.. and started to cry saying I just wanted the blood to be taken to tell me what I already know .. she tried to shush me. She tried the vein.. not deep enough.. and then she went to look if the male, P was around, a different lady ended up coming in.. I recognised her as one who'd taken my blood ok before. She asked what was happening and I showed her the three bandaids/ tape from the failed attempts and then started crying again grr.. couldn't help it .. she asked if she could take the blood from a vein further down my arm so I agreed..luckily it worked 1st go and we were out of there!
My nurse co-ordinator phoned me late morning and let me know that the results were negative. It wasn't a shock but still super sad!
I know to many people these little embryos are not even considered human .. but to me these embryos were our babies.. and I was attached to them the moment I saw the pictures of them as just a few cells... I had hopes and dreams .. I prayed for them ... I was sad and disappointed when the first one didn't make it past 4 cells.. and I am devastated that the 2nd one was in my womb for only 8 days and didn't implant and we'll never know her/him :(
I don't understand.
I'm thankful for family and friends.
Received some beautiful flowers from a lovely friend.
We were given the most thoughtful gift tonight by our niece and nephew ... she made this beautiful cactus garden for us ... with a little cactus to remember each of our 8 embryos!!
No comments:
Post a Comment