Mother's Day 2018

Well today is Mother's Day .. and today I am SAD... I am sad because of 6 little embryos that never made it past 4-5 weeks old and whom we never got to see develop into babies and children! I am sad that my arms are empty .. That desire to be a mother is so very deep and still not met and may never be met. My heart aches and I feel like a failure as a woman and as a wife.

I am sad for friend's whose grief is still raw at the loss of their gorgeous bubbas, I'm sad for friends who have lost older children and for those who have lost their mothers and for those who have damaged or no realatoinship with their mothers. I miss my Gran terribly and today makes that sadness more real as well.. I am sad that my mother in law is suffering Alzheimers and does not recognise her own sons and family any longer.

I am so thankful for my Mum who loves all her girls immensely and cares for all of us so deeply! I'm looking forward to seeing her in a couple of weeks!

I'm touched by messages from my beautiful niece-in-law and a lovely friend from church.
I message some dear friends and have a few chats.

I ring my Nan and  have a nice chat :)

I write my annual Facebook post for Mother's day (Hope it's helpful for others as I'm not sure if it is helpful for me or not.. it does renew the grief.. make me acknowledge the grief I suppose)

"Today I am thankful for "mothers" everywhere - for all those who care for and encourage and help us grow, forgive us, support us in hard times, challenge us, share the word with us, gave birth to us, nurtured us, prayed for us... the list goes on! I am so thankful to God for those he has given us to love and be loved by!
KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED!! 
For those whom today is a time of grief instead of celebration (whatever the reason ... and there are so very many), may you be strengthened and comforted! xxx"

I feel upheld by my father in heaven and by the prayers of friends and family.

Of course I want mother's to be celebrated - they are amazing and give up so much for their children but when someone messaged me to to say he wanted to hand out flowers for the mother's at our church gathering and would I be happy for him to to buy some and get the welcomers to do it at the welcome desk (I co-ordinate welcoming) I had to ring him and say that I thought it should not be done at the welcome desk if he really wants to give flowers to do it privately. I suggested a flower for all women... it was a bad phone line and he was at the shops so noisy and distracted. It was a painful and awkward conversation.

.... I hang up and sob my heart out!

He messages to apologise if he hurt me.

As my wonderful husband comforts me I apologise for being stupid. He says I'm not.

In the past I have missed church on mother's day - I just couldn't face it!  I really don't want to go now but force myself to say we need to go!

There are no flowers at the door... there is an announcement at the front thanking and acknowledging mothers and a acknowledgement that it's a hard day for some. After the service he takes flowers around to the actual mothers. I know other people noticed and thought it was strange. There are many single women at church who "mother" other women and youth!! How do we acknowledge them on such days?

I really like Amy's Wide Spectrum of Mothering and her blog post on Mother's Day here something to help acknowledge the different people in our midst.

Please LORD, help me to give me grace!!

Mothers Day - 14 May 2017

I posted this on FACEBOOK


Here-in begins my Mother's Day rant this year :)

Hugs and prayers all round ... For mothers - you have the best job there is! Treasure your children, young and old. Keep up the great work - it's not in vain xx for those mothering other mother's children you are remarkable and this is an amazing role too!!

For mothers who've lost their children and those who've lost their mothers may you find love and comfort where you least expect.

For those grieving broken relationships or disappointments may you find comfort, reconciliation and peace.

For those who long to be mothers and yet these desires remain unfulfilled may your hearts be filled with comfort and love ... and may your dreams come true!

For ALL who are grieving or hurting may you too find comfort, peace and healing

As for me, I am thankful for my own dear mother. Her love, support and generosity are a great blessing and example. I am grateful for my beautiful Nan and hope she finds the move to Orange a delight and not too sad. I dearly miss my Gran and fondly remember her especially today.
I grieve that my mother-in-law is lost inside a shell of herself and the brokenness that Alzheimer's brings.

My dreams of being a mother remain unfulfilled .. in a way ... although in my heart are 6 dear little ones that never fully formed and yet are never forgotten and always wondered about what they would be like had they lived.

Love to all xxx

For everything there is a season

COPIED FROM MY CRAFT BLOG: Stuff by Sammi

Today the words of Ecclesiastes 3:2-11 do ring true...

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. (ESV)

Facebook memories can be fun but can also be painful as they make you re-live tough times. My "masked" posts about our IVF journey 6 years ago come back to taunt me. Today is the anniversary of the conception of our twins (using ICSI). Sadly they both died in the womb and we never got to meet them, to hold them, to see them grow. All we have is this blurry photo of two little embryos and a world of "what ifs". I can't really imagine being mum to five year olds :0

I knew what today was already as I have ALL the dates written down and just happened to read them yesterday so it was not a surprise when Facebook memories showed one of my posts, but it is something else to re-read your own words of hope and others comments.

I still grieve the loss of these little ones and still strongly desire to be a mum. As the years go on this possibility grows dimmer. I do not know what God's plan is for me apart from knowing and loving him and sharing my life with others. I will continue to trust him through all the seasons :)

Saddest Memory

Taken from my blog Stuff by Sammi

• I think that my saddest memories I have are finding out that those little lives we'd seen on the screen as tiny cells had not survived. We went through a few rounds of IVF in 2009 and 2010 and it was such a rollercoaster of a ride... great joy and great sadness.  It still makes me sad remembering the loss of these little ones. Wondering what they would have been like, what life would be like if they had lived. 

(also I'm a little sad we don't have ALL the pictures)

It is a great comfort to me in times of sadness knowing that God is in control
Job 1:21b (ESV) The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Mother's Day rant

Taken from Stuff by Sammi

Good morning everyone. I hope you are well and having a super Sunday! Here in Australia it's Mother's Day and I've just got off the phone from chatting to my lovely Mum :) I am thankful that my sister's and I have a Mum that loves us and has and does continue to care for all of us!!

HAPPY MOTHER's Day to all you Mum's out there... Thanking God for your selfless love and care for your children... I hope that you are having a lovely day! Thanking God for the blessing of children and the joy that comes from being a Mum. Children/ people out there with Mother's in your lives... don't wait for one day of the year to thank them... show them you appreciate them today and everyday!!

For many people Mother's Day is a very painful Day!!

For those who have lost their mothers it's often a painful reminder of grief and loss ... for those whose mothers have not been loving and cared for them as they should it could bring out anger and renew hurt ... for those who have known and lost their children somewhere along the way it's a terribly sad and painful reminder ... for those who have been through infant loss or miscarriage it's heartbreaking ... for those who have suffered infertility and want nothing more than to hold their children in their arms and see them grow up it's so incredibly raw and painful ... for those who are single it's often a reminder of what's so far from their grasp....

Please spare a thought and a prayer for those whom Mother's Day is a day of pain and sorrow... If that is you... I pray that the God of all comfort would surround you with his love and comfort today and fill your day with understanding friends and family!!!

For me Mother's Day is difficult as I wonder what would our little ones that never grew be like if they had of lived... what would we be doing with them today to celebrate the day... it's a stabbing reminder of what will never be! It's something that I live with everyday... I don't just have these thoughts today.. today they are just magnified by the focus on Mother's.

I thought I would give away some free images today ... one to honour Mothers out there and a Flower for all of you out there that will not be given any physical flowers today!

Origami Owl living locket

Originally posted on Stuff by Sammi

Good morning! I hope you are all having a great week! Ours is going OK... got a few things to get done still.. but enjoying the holiday! We had a few days in Canberra on the weekend which was great... saw some old friend...we saw the Toulouse Lautrec exhibition! It also happened to be the enlighten festival too whilst we were there so we got to see that! It was Fun!!! :D I might post some pics a little later ... or maybe just in a Smash book or similar tee hee!!!

Anyway I'm excited that yesterday I received my living locket that I'd ordered from Origami Owl! I loved the idea of these when I saw Jess post about them last year on faecbook .. and then Krista also posted about them this year and so I looked into getting one... and thought that being in Aus meant I would not be able to get it.. however a dear US friend made it possible!!! :D And Elizabeth was awesome!

the packaging was so cute!!!

Look at all the yummy little pieces inside....

Here it is all spread out on the table...

Here is the locket all put together.. without the dangle... was trying to decide whether to have it alone or with the dangle too :D

Here I am wearing it with the heart dangle included :)

a close up...

I wanted to get this locket as a "memory locket" for our little ones that didn't make it... so each little gem is a birthstone gem ...(the dates they were fertilised ... as they were all IVF embryos) and then a  G and an S which is pretty self explanatory - our initials :)
I know some might find it silly or sentimental but I just thought it would be nice... I carry those precious little ones around in my heart and thoughts ALWAYS yet I thought it would be nice to have a little physical reminder of their SHORT lives. I  do thank God for their short lives.. although I  do wish they had lived longer and we'd been able to see them grow ... for some reason it was meant to be this way. I trust Him in that!

I Do love this Locket :D and glad I  got it!! :D

BFP Friend & Pregnancy musings

(originally posted on Stuff by Sammi blog)

 And for my post today HERE I'm sharing a special card and some feelings too.. ahhhh - LOL!

A good friend of mine is expecting.. YAY! :) I am so thrilled for her as it's been a tough, hard road getting to this point and I know how much she wanted this - which makes it even special-er .. I know this little one is going to be well loved!!!  It's early days... but  I wanted to make her a special card... which I will send LATER - once she actually resembles this image - tee hee, It's called "Icecream and Pickles" from Saturated Canary.

 

on a personal note.....
Making pregnancy and Baby cards are something I find the hardest... they tug my heartstrings I guess .... It's not that I'm not happy for friends/ people who are expecting... I am -- very happy -- for them!!  and Thankful for the blessing of new life! Pregnancy is a great gift from God :) I guess the hard bit is it's just a big reminder of what we don't / won't have and what we've have lost.

I "think" most women understand having the desire for children /to be nurturers - we are after all designed that way.. and the world and many churches tell us that for married woman our role is to be a Mum so when we are not then things are just not right and can leave us with feelings of inadequacy, failure, sadness and the list goes on... more on that another time...

"BFP" are three initials I would LOVE to scream from the rooftops for myself .... During my IVF attempts journey/ season I learnt MANY new acronymns.... Happily I was able to say BFP (=BIG FAT PREGNANT) once... and PUPO (PREGNANT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE) 5 times... however none of our little ones survived and I still find the loss of those 6 little lives painful and I wonder "what if" all the time.  I have just ordered a locket in memory of our 6 little ones so I may share that here once I get it :D I know God does not give us more than we can handle and that everything is in his control and so through his strength we continue on and we rest in the knowledge that he is good and has a beautiful plan!

Why am I sharing all this here?? is it Oversharing?? I don't think so... I think Infertility/ Pregnancy loss is too often a taboo topic... not talked about and believe me it's not easy to write this... but I  know that the journey of infertility it can feel very isolating and if this helps just one person then I think it's worth sharing! If you are reading this and need an understanding ear then I am certainly happy to LISTEN.

Sammi
xoxo