HEADACHE and rain

I have the WORST headache!! :P It's really not fun at all! Not much seems to help - I'm pretty sure it's the hormones so just have to suck it up!

This morning was super rainy! Great for the garden and I hope it's going more where it's needed. It's not so much fun going in and out of the city in the rain but it had to happen... I needed to pick up some more Gonal F... When I got to the Pharmacy she looked up my file and was going to give me all the meds but I already have some of the others left from the last cycle (so I'll just get more if needed later)!

I checked with reception about where to go for Acupuncture as Guy and I were talking last night about trying that this time.. and picked up a card for someone in the city who used to work in the building but moved. I have an appointment tomorrow.. she said she had one today but I just couldn't face going back into the city today.. and I have to go in tomorrow anyway for a blood test (and probably a scan) Here's hoping it helps with the headaches as well as the cycle!!

It has begun

I just had my first injection of Gonal F for the cycle.. This is the follicle stimulating hormone which will hopefully make lots of follicles grow and produce lots of GOOD eggs :) I wasn't expecting to do one today I was expecting it to be tomorrow, but that's kinda how this journey goes - the unexpected may pop up around any corner. I've got a headache now :( from AF or the Gonal F - I'm not sure. I'm on a larger dose this time... It's actually double the amount I was on last time so it will be interesting to see how it goes.

The Gonal F is a pre-filled pen which is easy to use.. you just take the lid off, screw a needle on the end and then turn the knob to the correct dosage. I'm on 300mg this time which means each pen will have 3 doses in it. It's a pretty fine needle so goes easily into the tummy. I've finally stopped thinking that it won't go in.. it's a strange thing really.

This morning was a little rough.. once again the collectors struggled with my veins.. the first one took a while and didn't really listen to me saying they are deep as she went in to the left arm very shallowly... and  then looked at many more before passing me on to someone else.. he was better... still took a LONG time and the tourniquet strap was so super tight but he got it first time.. just took a little time to fill the container. 

I don't have to have another one now till Friday which is nice ..  I was thinking it would be earlier so that's positive! I will have to go into town before then to collect some more meds though! 

Anticipation

Well it's ALMOST time to start IVF again.. tomorrow I go into the clinic for my day 1 blood test. I spoke with a nurse today who said show up for morning clinic tomorrow.. which is between 7am and 9am - so the trips into the city will start again. The waiting will start again.

I'm feeling a little apprehensive, I'm feeling hopeful and excited, I'm praying that this time will be the time that works, where we might be blessed with a little miracle! Please Lord!

Thinking about the prospect of waiting again, I'm reminded it is a good lesson for waiting upon the LORD and hoping in him. I do hope that we will have a child but ultimately whether we do or don't my hope is in the Lord and waiting on his return. I would like to think I will remember this amidst the frustration of waiting. Many times in my life I've thought that I am a rather patient person... but life keeps showing me that I am far from a patient person!!!

More encouragement from Psalm 39, verses 4 & 5

4  " Oh Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days ; let me know how fleeting I am!" 5 "Behold you have made my days a few handbreadths and my lifetime is nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!"

What seems like forever in these moments and days and weeks of waiting is nothing in the light of eternity. What seems to matter so dearly now living on this earth will one day seem so tiny!

Surgery and contemplations

So we went back to our lovely FS*, and she was sad with us that the cycle didn't work.. she said that it could have just been a bad month.. the mature egg apparently was a bit  strangely shaped. She said that medically it was worth trying again (or some language similar to that - I can't remember exactly) and that this time she would give me a larger dose of the Gonal F - so that decision  (whether to try again) needs to be made.. first we had to book in an appointment to remove the uterine polyp.

18 September was the date set  - a hysteroscopy/polypectomy .. at the Genea Day Surgery. The nurses phoned the day before to give timing and fasting instructions etc... the surgery was set for 1pm, so I was able to get up at 6:30am and have some light breakfast.
We had discussed catching the train into town and then catching an uber or a taxi home... but I was feeling so rotton that we decided it would be better to drive in and park in the carpark right in the same building. It worked out a bit more expensive but worth it!

Back to the funny little cubicles - No.5 this time .. The anaesthetist put in the cannula in my hand for the anaesthetic to go in.. it was pretty painful! Guy went off to get some lunch.. and they took me into the theatre.. they gave me a super warm blanket and started getting organised.. I sort of missed the actual anaesthetic and next thing I knew I was waking up and really needed to go the the bathroom .. so I did with the drip attached .. and rather woozy! I had some rice cakes with honey which one of the nurses did for me.. and some peppermint tea..and also some apple juice for extra sugar as apparently I was looking very pale!! After a while they phoned our FS and I spoke to her about how it went. She was happy and said that it went well. the polyp was BIG .. not tall just very wide.. so definitely needed to come out.. She was happy for us to go ahead with IVF at the next   after that we packed up and went home.

I felt rather tired and sore for a few days after the surgery and the bleeding was reasonably heavy on and off.

We haven't been sure about trying again .. it's quite scary.. at what point do we just accept that God is saying "no. I'm actually not quite ready for that.. although I will accept it if I have to.. devastatingly.
We don't really feel like last time was a proper attempt ... so think that if we can try again that would be good.

all over red rover

Well, just over a week has passed since we found out that neither of the eggs fertilised... one was not mature and the other one just didn't fertilise :( VERY sad!! I really thought, hoped and dreamt that one would! It's such an emotional rollercoaster this journey!

Today AF is starting - I'd been so hopeful not for AF for 9 months.. but that's life.. explains why I was extra emotional yesterday too!

It's Father's Day today.. as you know I don't really like these days .. Personally this day is not as painful to me as Mother's Day is  (and it doesn't threaten my validity as a woman/wife).
I am thankful for my loving Dad! Wish I could give him a hug today.. have to wait till next weekend (not too far away thankfully), I am sad for Guy whose Dad passed away last year and whose own chances of being a Dad grow slimmer .. I think he would be a really wonderful Dad! I think of other friends who have lost their Dads and weep with them! I am extremely Thankful for our Heavenly Father (all knowing, ever present, all powerful and HOLY) who reached down to us through his Son - who loves and cares for and sustains us!!

Tuesday we go and see our Fertility Dr and see what she has to say about the cycle/ trying again :o

A day in my life of IVF treatments

Guy's alarm went off at 5:30 and I got up and had a shower... then did my injections.

(Each other day my alarm has been going off at 5:45am and I get up and do the injections before going back to bed again OR into the city for blood tests .. and a surprise scan on Monday).

I ate some toast .. a bread mix from Aldi.. Not too bad- it's a Tiger loaf.

Guy dropped me at Rockdale and I was on the train at 6:13am

6:37 - Arrived at Town hall and walked to the clinic
6:47 - Arrived at Kent St and scanned the QR code to check in then sat to wait for the lift to open at 7am. There were already about  7 people here. Actually spoke to a couple of people today .. about the QR scan thing :)

7am and up we go - two lifts today and not as packed as the last time I arrived this early :)
The names start to be called and I am about 3rd.

Time for the most invasive part of the day! The internal ultrasound to check the follicles.. on Monday there were 5 on the left and 2 on the right.. Today there are 2 big follicles on the right and three less big ones on the left with some smaller ones on the left as well. The sonographer asked during the scan if I'd had scans before we started IVF and I said yes .. not really sure why she was asking but didn't think any more of it.

7:14 and the Ultrasound is done - back in the queue for my Blood test..

R is the collector (aka Vampire) today .. she says that the computer says I need TLC .. She's not so sure about the deep vein in my inner arm (which has been the most successful for the good vampires so far) and she wants to try a thinner vein on the side of my arm ... she Umms and Ahha and eventually does go for the side one with a butterfly needle on an angle ... it's pretty slow but works. Afterwards it's quite sore. She tells me the usual don't lift heavy items and also tells me to ice it when I get home and to look after my veins.. (I feel like she knows that vein was a poor choice).
7:32 all done and leave ... the arm is quite painful as I walk...

7:48 - Back at Town Hall Platform 4 .. the next train doesn't stop at Rockdale :(
Next train is due at 7:54 :) Lots of people are waiting today.
My arm is hurting a bit :(

The train comes and I sneak into a quiet carriage.. sitting in the main bit near the door - no one else is here - wierd but peaceful :)

8:46 - walked in the door at home after walking back from Rockdale Station! I put an ice pack on the arm and settle on the couch with a Rooibos and a couple of chocolate Chia balls.

Around the middle of the day I had a private call ... it was Dr Rowan ... I wonder why she's calling not the nurse but she wanted to talk to me about the cycle.. the two larger follicles are ready trigger.. the smaller ones are not .. and would probably not produce mature eggs.. however if we waited we would lose the lead ones.. If we were to go ahead Egg collection would be on Friday - usually she would recommend cancelling the cycle but as we don't want to freeze lots of embryos then we could go ahead.. but theres another problem... the sonographer saw something on the scan that might be a polyp in the lining of my uterus .. this was not there before.. this could cause the embryo not to implant .... which would mean that if we go ahead with the Egg collection and there are embryos we may need to freeze them and have the polyp dealt with. but we can't know more yet, she may be able to tell more at Egg Collection. I let her know that I didn't want to cancel and she said she would go ahead and arrange for it to happen Friday and would try her best to get the two eggs for us.
I got off the phone.. in a bit of a shock and phoned Guy to tell him... He also didn't think we should cancel either. got off to wait for nurses call... Wondering if it's the right decision.. cancelling would be cheaper but all it takes is for one Egg to work (although realistically the chances are low).
I phoned Mum to talk about it and she also agreed that going ahead was a good option...
Missed the call from the nurses and phoned back... it goes to voicemail.. so I left a message..

Tried again a little later.. same deal.

Eventually a nurse phoned back..and said that Egg collection would go ahead on Friday but she didn't know what time yet and would let me know once it was booked in with Day Surgery... Trigger would happen tonight but she would tell me the time once she knew the Surgery time.

She phoned back again about an hour later.. EC would be at 7:30 Friday.. so Trigger was to happen at 7:30pm tonight. NO more of the other injections.

The Ovidrel (trigger shot) is similar to the Gonal F I had been taking in the pen.. you wind it up .. this one had no numbers though just //'s I went until it said 250 and then stuck it in my belly.. it stung a little more but otherwise was ok.

BACK to waiting.. but no more injections now till possibly after the Egg Collection on Friday so a nice little break.

What I thought would be a typical day of IVF was definitely NOT ... I guess there really are no "typical" days on this journey! It's definitely a ROLLERCOASTER!

IVF season

We are about to enter a new season ... IVF will be starting any day now. As soon as AF arrives I will be heading to the clinic for a blood test and will start hormone injections.. two injections a day for about 10-14 days :0 ... I "think" this is better than the nasal spray + injection last time ... although 8-9 years are a little foggy in my brain!

I'm feeling excitedly hopeful and yet nervously terrified!!

I know that God has this... he is totally in control. I just need to keep trusting him and knowing that no matter what happens he will give us all that we need to perservere!