Surgery and contemplations

So we went back to our lovely FS*, and she was sad with us that the cycle didn't work.. she said that it could have just been a bad month.. the mature egg apparently was a bit  strangely shaped. She said that medically it was worth trying again (or some language similar to that - I can't remember exactly) and that this time she would give me a larger dose of the Gonal F - so that decision  (whether to try again) needs to be made.. first we had to book in an appointment to remove the uterine polyp.

18 September was the date set  - a hysteroscopy/polypectomy .. at the Genea Day Surgery. The nurses phoned the day before to give timing and fasting instructions etc... the surgery was set for 1pm, so I was able to get up at 6:30am and have some light breakfast.
We had discussed catching the train into town and then catching an uber or a taxi home... but I was feeling so rotton that we decided it would be better to drive in and park in the carpark right in the same building. It worked out a bit more expensive but worth it!

Back to the funny little cubicles - No.5 this time .. The anaesthetist put in the cannula in my hand for the anaesthetic to go in.. it was pretty painful! Guy went off to get some lunch.. and they took me into the theatre.. they gave me a super warm blanket and started getting organised.. I sort of missed the actual anaesthetic and next thing I knew I was waking up and really needed to go the the bathroom .. so I did with the drip attached .. and rather woozy! I had some rice cakes with honey which one of the nurses did for me.. and some peppermint tea..and also some apple juice for extra sugar as apparently I was looking very pale!! After a while they phoned our FS and I spoke to her about how it went. She was happy and said that it went well. the polyp was BIG .. not tall just very wide.. so definitely needed to come out.. She was happy for us to go ahead with IVF at the next   after that we packed up and went home.

I felt rather tired and sore for a few days after the surgery and the bleeding was reasonably heavy on and off.

We haven't been sure about trying again .. it's quite scary.. at what point do we just accept that God is saying "no. I'm actually not quite ready for that.. although I will accept it if I have to.. devastatingly.
We don't really feel like last time was a proper attempt ... so think that if we can try again that would be good.

all over red rover

Well, just over a week has passed since we found out that neither of the eggs fertilised... one was not mature and the other one just didn't fertilise :( VERY sad!! I really thought, hoped and dreamt that one would! It's such an emotional rollercoaster this journey!

Today AF is starting - I'd been so hopeful not for AF for 9 months.. but that's life.. explains why I was extra emotional yesterday too!

It's Father's Day today.. as you know I don't really like these days .. Personally this day is not as painful to me as Mother's Day is  (and it doesn't threaten my validity as a woman/wife).
I am thankful for my loving Dad! Wish I could give him a hug today.. have to wait till next weekend (not too far away thankfully), I am sad for Guy whose Dad passed away last year and whose own chances of being a Dad grow slimmer .. I think he would be a really wonderful Dad! I think of other friends who have lost their Dads and weep with them! I am extremely Thankful for our Heavenly Father (all knowing, ever present, all powerful and HOLY) who reached down to us through his Son - who loves and cares for and sustains us!!

Tuesday we go and see our Fertility Dr and see what she has to say about the cycle/ trying again :o

A day in my life of IVF treatments

Guy's alarm went off at 5:30 and I got up and had a shower... then did my injections.

(Each other day my alarm has been going off at 5:45am and I get up and do the injections before going back to bed again OR into the city for blood tests .. and a surprise scan on Monday).

I ate some toast .. a bread mix from Aldi.. Not too bad- it's a Tiger loaf.

Guy dropped me at Rockdale and I was on the train at 6:13am

6:37 - Arrived at Town hall and walked to the clinic
6:47 - Arrived at Kent St and scanned the QR code to check in then sat to wait for the lift to open at 7am. There were already about  7 people here. Actually spoke to a couple of people today .. about the QR scan thing :)

7am and up we go - two lifts today and not as packed as the last time I arrived this early :)
The names start to be called and I am about 3rd.

Time for the most invasive part of the day! The internal ultrasound to check the follicles.. on Monday there were 5 on the left and 2 on the right.. Today there are 2 big follicles on the right and three less big ones on the left with some smaller ones on the left as well. The sonographer asked during the scan if I'd had scans before we started IVF and I said yes .. not really sure why she was asking but didn't think any more of it.

7:14 and the Ultrasound is done - back in the queue for my Blood test..

R is the collector (aka Vampire) today .. she says that the computer says I need TLC .. She's not so sure about the deep vein in my inner arm (which has been the most successful for the good vampires so far) and she wants to try a thinner vein on the side of my arm ... she Umms and Ahha and eventually does go for the side one with a butterfly needle on an angle ... it's pretty slow but works. Afterwards it's quite sore. She tells me the usual don't lift heavy items and also tells me to ice it when I get home and to look after my veins.. (I feel like she knows that vein was a poor choice).
7:32 all done and leave ... the arm is quite painful as I walk...

7:48 - Back at Town Hall Platform 4 .. the next train doesn't stop at Rockdale :(
Next train is due at 7:54 :) Lots of people are waiting today.
My arm is hurting a bit :(

The train comes and I sneak into a quiet carriage.. sitting in the main bit near the door - no one else is here - wierd but peaceful :)

8:46 - walked in the door at home after walking back from Rockdale Station! I put an ice pack on the arm and settle on the couch with a Rooibos and a couple of chocolate Chia balls.

Around the middle of the day I had a private call ... it was Dr Rowan ... I wonder why she's calling not the nurse but she wanted to talk to me about the cycle.. the two larger follicles are ready trigger.. the smaller ones are not .. and would probably not produce mature eggs.. however if we waited we would lose the lead ones.. If we were to go ahead Egg collection would be on Friday - usually she would recommend cancelling the cycle but as we don't want to freeze lots of embryos then we could go ahead.. but theres another problem... the sonographer saw something on the scan that might be a polyp in the lining of my uterus .. this was not there before.. this could cause the embryo not to implant .... which would mean that if we go ahead with the Egg collection and there are embryos we may need to freeze them and have the polyp dealt with. but we can't know more yet, she may be able to tell more at Egg Collection. I let her know that I didn't want to cancel and she said she would go ahead and arrange for it to happen Friday and would try her best to get the two eggs for us.
I got off the phone.. in a bit of a shock and phoned Guy to tell him... He also didn't think we should cancel either. got off to wait for nurses call... Wondering if it's the right decision.. cancelling would be cheaper but all it takes is for one Egg to work (although realistically the chances are low).
I phoned Mum to talk about it and she also agreed that going ahead was a good option...
Missed the call from the nurses and phoned back... it goes to voicemail.. so I left a message..

Tried again a little later.. same deal.

Eventually a nurse phoned back..and said that Egg collection would go ahead on Friday but she didn't know what time yet and would let me know once it was booked in with Day Surgery... Trigger would happen tonight but she would tell me the time once she knew the Surgery time.

She phoned back again about an hour later.. EC would be at 7:30 Friday.. so Trigger was to happen at 7:30pm tonight. NO more of the other injections.

The Ovidrel (trigger shot) is similar to the Gonal F I had been taking in the pen.. you wind it up .. this one had no numbers though just //'s I went until it said 250 and then stuck it in my belly.. it stung a little more but otherwise was ok.

BACK to waiting.. but no more injections now till possibly after the Egg Collection on Friday so a nice little break.

What I thought would be a typical day of IVF was definitely NOT ... I guess there really are no "typical" days on this journey! It's definitely a ROLLERCOASTER!

IVF season

We are about to enter a new season ... IVF will be starting any day now. As soon as AF arrives I will be heading to the clinic for a blood test and will start hormone injections.. two injections a day for about 10-14 days :0 ... I "think" this is better than the nasal spray + injection last time ... although 8-9 years are a little foggy in my brain!

I'm feeling excitedly hopeful and yet nervously terrified!!

I know that God has this... he is totally in control. I just need to keep trusting him and knowing that no matter what happens he will give us all that we need to perservere!

Mother's Day 2018

Well today is Mother's Day .. and today I am SAD... I am sad because of 6 little embryos that never made it past 4-5 weeks old and whom we never got to see develop into babies and children! I am sad that my arms are empty .. That desire to be a mother is so very deep and still not met and may never be met. My heart aches and I feel like a failure as a woman and as a wife.

I am sad for friend's whose grief is still raw at the loss of their gorgeous bubbas, I'm sad for friends who have lost older children and for those who have lost their mothers and for those who have damaged or no realatoinship with their mothers. I miss my Gran terribly and today makes that sadness more real as well.. I am sad that my mother in law is suffering Alzheimers and does not recognise her own sons and family any longer.

I am so thankful for my Mum who loves all her girls immensely and cares for all of us so deeply! I'm looking forward to seeing her in a couple of weeks!

I'm touched by messages from my beautiful niece-in-law and a lovely friend from church.
I message some dear friends and have a few chats.

I ring my Nan and  have a nice chat :)

I write my annual Facebook post for Mother's day (Hope it's helpful for others as I'm not sure if it is helpful for me or not.. it does renew the grief.. make me acknowledge the grief I suppose)

"Today I am thankful for "mothers" everywhere - for all those who care for and encourage and help us grow, forgive us, support us in hard times, challenge us, share the word with us, gave birth to us, nurtured us, prayed for us... the list goes on! I am so thankful to God for those he has given us to love and be loved by!
KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED!! 
For those whom today is a time of grief instead of celebration (whatever the reason ... and there are so very many), may you be strengthened and comforted! xxx"

I feel upheld by my father in heaven and by the prayers of friends and family.

Of course I want mother's to be celebrated - they are amazing and give up so much for their children but when someone messaged me to to say he wanted to hand out flowers for the mother's at our church gathering and would I be happy for him to to buy some and get the welcomers to do it at the welcome desk (I co-ordinate welcoming) I had to ring him and say that I thought it should not be done at the welcome desk if he really wants to give flowers to do it privately. I suggested a flower for all women... it was a bad phone line and he was at the shops so noisy and distracted. It was a painful and awkward conversation.

.... I hang up and sob my heart out!

He messages to apologise if he hurt me.

As my wonderful husband comforts me I apologise for being stupid. He says I'm not.

In the past I have missed church on mother's day - I just couldn't face it!  I really don't want to go now but force myself to say we need to go!

There are no flowers at the door... there is an announcement at the front thanking and acknowledging mothers and a acknowledgement that it's a hard day for some. After the service he takes flowers around to the actual mothers. I know other people noticed and thought it was strange. There are many single women at church who "mother" other women and youth!! How do we acknowledge them on such days?

I really like Amy's Wide Spectrum of Mothering and her blog post on Mother's Day here something to help acknowledge the different people in our midst.

Please LORD, help me to give me grace!!

Mothers Day - 14 May 2017

I posted this on FACEBOOK


Here-in begins my Mother's Day rant this year :)

Hugs and prayers all round ... For mothers - you have the best job there is! Treasure your children, young and old. Keep up the great work - it's not in vain xx for those mothering other mother's children you are remarkable and this is an amazing role too!!

For mothers who've lost their children and those who've lost their mothers may you find love and comfort where you least expect.

For those grieving broken relationships or disappointments may you find comfort, reconciliation and peace.

For those who long to be mothers and yet these desires remain unfulfilled may your hearts be filled with comfort and love ... and may your dreams come true!

For ALL who are grieving or hurting may you too find comfort, peace and healing

As for me, I am thankful for my own dear mother. Her love, support and generosity are a great blessing and example. I am grateful for my beautiful Nan and hope she finds the move to Orange a delight and not too sad. I dearly miss my Gran and fondly remember her especially today.
I grieve that my mother-in-law is lost inside a shell of herself and the brokenness that Alzheimer's brings.

My dreams of being a mother remain unfulfilled .. in a way ... although in my heart are 6 dear little ones that never fully formed and yet are never forgotten and always wondered about what they would be like had they lived.

Love to all xxx

For everything there is a season

COPIED FROM MY CRAFT BLOG: Stuff by Sammi

Today the words of Ecclesiastes 3:2-11 do ring true...

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. (ESV)

Facebook memories can be fun but can also be painful as they make you re-live tough times. My "masked" posts about our IVF journey 6 years ago come back to taunt me. Today is the anniversary of the conception of our twins (using ICSI). Sadly they both died in the womb and we never got to meet them, to hold them, to see them grow. All we have is this blurry photo of two little embryos and a world of "what ifs". I can't really imagine being mum to five year olds :0

I knew what today was already as I have ALL the dates written down and just happened to read them yesterday so it was not a surprise when Facebook memories showed one of my posts, but it is something else to re-read your own words of hope and others comments.

I still grieve the loss of these little ones and still strongly desire to be a mum. As the years go on this possibility grows dimmer. I do not know what God's plan is for me apart from knowing and loving him and sharing my life with others. I will continue to trust him through all the seasons :)