Overwhelmed with sadness

This morning I was Overwhelmed with sadness ... it happens sometimes and is hard to contain.
Once that door of grief opens it's hard to get it closed again! It doesn't help that I'm super over tired.

Currently (since early Sunday morning) we are looking after four children aged 6-13 so their parents could have a little getaway. It's been hard, fun, tiring, rewarding and exhausting ... respecting parents of little ones so much in all that they do for them, caring for them, helping them to grow and mature.

I'm really pleased that our friends trust us to care for their children whilst they go away and it's a great blessing to be able to look after/ spend time with little people BUT it also makes starker the realities of what we are "missing out on"

After I dropped Mr 6 at his class I was walking back through the school.. and there were children EVERYWHERE and parents, grandparents etc coming in and out and I was just hit with a huge wave of sadness ... Some of our little ones would have been at this Infants school age now ... and yet they are not here :( And possibly, quite probably we will never be taking our own children to and from school.

At times like this I really am NOT CONTENT with my life ...  I know that God's plan for my life is good for me but I don't really feel it right now.

Anyway about an hour till I have to pick them up again so best suck it up and get ready! 

Not a due date

Today would have been Stevie's due date ... if he/she had stuck around .. but like the rest of our precious embryos Stevie was not meant for this world.

musings on Heavenly bodies

Do you ever wonder what we will look like in Heaven, what age will we be? I do constantly. I especially wonder what Dan, Chris, Jess, Jules, Ashley, Kelly, Kim and Stevie will look like.. will we recognise them? Will they recognise us? I think so and yet I really don't know. I do look forward to meeting them one day!!

1 Corinthians 15:35-58 (below) is "somewhat" helpful - Our bodies will be whatever they are because God has chosen them! They will be different to our earthly bodies (in what way we can't imagine and aren't told), they will be imperishable spiritual bodies that resemble Jesus' resurrected body.

Thanks be to God that Death has lost it's sting through the victory of Jesus!!

1 Corinthians 15:35 (ESV)

But someone will ask, “How are the dead raised? With what kind of body do they come?” 

36 You foolish person! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. 37 And what you sow is not  

the body that is to be, but a bare kernel, perhaps of wheat or of some other grain. 

38 But God gives it a body as he has chosen, 

and to each kind of seed its own body. 39 For not all flesh is the same, but there is one kind for humans, 

another for animals, another for birds, and another for fish. 

40 There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind,

 and the glory of the earthly is of another. 

41 There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, 

and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.

42 So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. 

43 It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. 44 It is sown a 

natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. 

45 Thus it is written, “The first man Adam became a living being” the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. 

46 But it is not the spiritual that is first but the natural, and then the spiritual. 47 The first man was from the

earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. 48 As was the man of dust, so also are those who are 

of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. 

49 Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.

50 I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the 

perishable inherit the imperishable.

51 Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, 

52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, 

and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. 

53 For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. 

54 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, 

then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

55  “O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 

57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in 

the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

a bit of a slump

The Bears of Hope High tea was good (hard but good) ... I enjoyed spending time with dear friends. I just wish that there was no reason for any of us to be there! But it is what it is, sadly.

It was super helpful for me to recognise and honour our dear little ones .. and I received this precious gift. (I'm really glad that I listed all their names on the registration form).

My friend took this photo ... remembering dear Casey, Gregory, Sebastian and Aerin

My Mother's Day facebook post

Today I’m thanking God for Mother’s (and all that they are and do) and praying they have strength and perseverance to keep loving and caring (even when it’s most hard).

Praying (and weeping with those) for whom Mother’s Day makes them weep ... for those missing their own mums who are no longer on this earth, for those grieving broken relationships, for those whose children have died - forever in their hearts but never or no longer in their arms, for those who desperately long to be mothers and whose dreams are unfulfilled, for those who are parenting alone and all others grieving today.

Thanking God especially for those who “mother” in so many ways without physically being a “mum”!! 

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Honestly, I've been struggling quite a bit since Mother's day.. and have been in a bit of a slump.. the recent cold weather is not helping and neither is my health.. although I guess it's all kinda linked. The house is a mess and I really want to clean it up but I'm just not getting it done.

Trying to trust in God and his goodness and be content in where he has me right now but that's so hard. Praying that I would be quick to listen to him and not be tempted to look to the world for wisdom and contentment.

High tea

I've signed up to attend a Mothers Day High tea.. run by Bears of Hope.. a pregnancy and infant loss support organisation. I'm going with some other girl friends who have lost their precious little ones.

When I filled in the form to register there was a question: "Is this person a bereaved mother" and it had space to list names of children. I really wasn't sure what to write and agonised over it. I don't know that to everyone they count but to me ... yes I am.. and those 8 little lives count and matter and so after discussion with Guy and choosing a couple more names for Octobers little ones,  I wrote down eight names:
Dan, Chris, Jess, Jules, Ashley, Kelly, Stevie and Kim xxxxxxxx

It's on the day before Mother's Day .. I feel a little strange and anxious about it ... If you've read other posts here you would know that Mother's Day is one of the hardest days for me, but I'm happy to be able to go to support my dear friends and looking forward to spending time with them and am glad to be able to honour those little lives not for this world.

It's been a while.. I keep meaning to update this blog but then don't ... It's been a tough couple of months emotionally...we saw our FS and she didn't give us many answers or much hope for IVF working if we were to try again... that was a shock as I expected her to encourage us to "keep going" ... at least she was honest.. she suggested if we wanted to we just try "one last time" She didn't really have ideas on what to do but was happy to try some things that my Acupuncturist advised. We are still unsure about whether we will try again or not .. Currently still trying to get healthier and LOSE MORE WEIGHT ... it's hard at the moment with Birthdays and Christmas celebrations.

this time leading to Christmas is a little hard emotionally... I was hoping and praying so hard that by this time I'd be a few months pregnant and was even prepared to face morning sickness now if that was the case... but it's not .. my womb is empty and there's a larger hole in my heart ...a sadness that lingers and rears it's head at inopportune and unexpected times.

We celebrated Mum's 70th last night.. it was lovely ... It was extra nice to have some old friends that we knew growing up (in a small town - for the first 8 years of my life) - Mum and Dad's good friends come to the party and then to the house this morning.. It was so lovely talking to them and seeing photos of their children (our friends from childhood) 's children. However it made me quite sad simultaneously that this is an unfulfilled dream/ desire .. and that My Mum is not able to "show off" photos of her grandchildren in return at times like this.

BFN - Broken hopes and raw grief

It is all over again... and I'm feeling particularly devastated!!

Still processing it all but hopefully this post will help with that.

I had tried a couple of home pregnancy tests Sat, Sun, Mon ... with all being negative. The first two days were probably a bit too early.. but people have had positives at that point so I thought it was worth trying.. and it showed that the Ovidrel had left my system.

From Saturday afternoon I had the worst headache ... I was scared as it felt so much like the hormonal headaches I get before AF arrives.. and yet I hoped it might be from pregnancy hormones...
Sunday it continued with (TMI) some fertile and other strange CM appearing .. which according to Dr Google could be another sign of pregnancy. I stayed home to rest instead of going to church. Monday Morning there was some spotting.. and massively huge CRAMPS which only increased during the day .. Late morning I phoned the clinic and left a message, my nurse co-ordinator phoned back and said I could have the blood test a day earlier the following day. This to me was just a formality as I already knew the outcome would be negative.

Spoke with a few of my family.. lots of tears ...

Feeling super emotional, red eyed and fuzzy headed we went down to our weekly Monday night family dinner which was lovely to receive hugs and comfort ...  and a delicious meal and some fun distracting games.

Today we got up extra early so that we could get into the clinic early and not have to wait long for the test.. Guy drove us in and we parked in the car park in the same building.. we scanned in about 6:40am and sat to wait in the foyer for the lifts.. there was only one person there before us.

When it got to 7am there was a lift full of people, instead of squeezing in we waited for the next lift.

We had to wait a while... getting there so early didn't make us get straight through :(

Eventually my name was called and it was R, who I recognised as one who had done a terrible job once before.. but she had been ok the next time I saw her.. so I thought I'd give her the benefit of my doubt, but TODAY it seemed I was to have salt rubbed in my still raw wounds ... and poor Guy had to sit and watch (some of what is normal for me having bloods taken - but to a worse degree today).

She could not find veins, she took ages - she tried my right arm and didn't listen to me saying they were deep.. went in quite shallow and then proceeded to poke and prod around .. moving the needle around and back and forward - I told her it was hurting (should have been more audible and forceful) eventually she stopped.. and then after a much longer time she tried my left hand .. same deal, she said she would get a heat pack..and came back with that and a lukewarm cup of water and said she would swap with another collector who was having troubles with someone else :( that didn't inspire too much confidence either. The new lady said she'd try and I said was there someone like the gun of blood taking.. she said they were all just as good as each other (I beg to differ)

I didn't recognise any of the people on today.. I described one who had done a GREAT job before but she's left. I said was the male there today .. I forgot his name .. She then tried to find veins and then seemed happy-ish she'd found one in my left arm and said should she try it.. I said yes.. and started to cry saying I just wanted the blood to be taken to tell me what I already know .. she tried to shush me. She tried the vein.. not deep enough.. and then she went to look if the male, P was around, a different lady ended up coming in.. I recognised her as one who'd taken my blood ok before. She asked what was happening and I showed her the three bandaids/ tape from the failed attempts and then started crying again grr.. couldn't help it .. she asked if  she could take the blood from a vein further down my arm so I agreed..luckily it worked 1st go and we were out of there!

My nurse co-ordinator phoned me late morning and let me know that the results were negative. It wasn't a shock but still super sad!

I know to many people these little embryos are not even considered human .. but to me these embryos were our babies.. and I was attached to them the moment I saw the pictures of them as just a few cells... I had hopes and dreams .. I prayed for them ... I was sad and disappointed when the first one didn't make it past 4 cells.. and I am devastated that the 2nd one was in my womb for only 8 days and didn't implant and we'll never know her/him :(

I don't understand.

I'm thankful for family and friends.

Received some beautiful flowers from a lovely friend.

We were given the most thoughtful gift tonight by our niece and nephew ... she made this beautiful cactus garden for us ... with a little cactus to remember each of our 8 embryos!!